


I collect my tears (so I can drown you in them)

by amako



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Break Up, Codependency, F/M, KibaSaku brotp all the way, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Naruto doesn't know how to deal with feelings, Not Epilogue Compliant, References to Depression, Sai is very supportive in this one, Team as Family, Unrequited Love, it's a big mess of feelings, neither do Sakura and Shikamaru for that matter, smiling Sasuke cameos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-09 07:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13476927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amako/pseuds/amako
Summary: The hardest thing is letting go.orSakura sees Naruto falling in love with Shikamaru a little more every day, and she does the only thing she can think of. Then it's only a matter of learning how to stop loving Naruto.





	1. How to rebuild

**Author's Note:**

> I have been writing this for so long I'm practically breathing this fic.
> 
> As usual, I'm not a native English speaker, so when you find a mistake, kindly point it out so I can improve!

The desk is half in the shadows, the setting sun casting a warm haze on the whole office. Naruto is sitting on the desk, cross-legged with a couple of files in his lap. He looks peaceful. Sakura swallows hard, because this is it. They won't come back from this.

Naruto raises his head when he hears her stepping closer, a small, precious smile gracing her with its presence when he recognises her. The soft look on his face is breaking her heart. She doesn't want to think about it. Her heart is broken enough as it is. So she puts down her medical coat, feeling like she's giving up a small part of herself with the white cloth. She takes a breath, slow and calming, and curls her hand in a fist. When her eyes meet Naruto's, she's as ready as she'll ever be.

 

"Does he make you happy?"

 

Naruto's smile morphs into surprise, startled eyes losing grip on her to get lost somewhere far away (or maybe just two doors away, where Shikamaru is working late to make his Hokage's dream a reality). Then the surprise becomes heartbreak, and she can't take it. She can't.

 

"Does he, Naruto?"

His reply is soft, cracked voice wavering as he whispers. "Yes, he does."

"Then go, stupid. He's waited for you long enough."

 

The pure delight on the face of the man she loves is what finally does it. She turns around and leaves the office, incapable of witnessing what's about to happen. Her best friend will be okay, now that he can be with the man _he_ loves (not her, not anymore) without her in the way.

As for Sakura, she has a couple of bags to pack.

 

 

 

The house is cold, because Naruto forgot to turn on the heaters before leaving. It's cold and it's dark, the night finally reaching over the walls of the village to cover its rooftops with shadows and dreams. Sakura walks inside her home and hopes it's a nightmare. Naruto isn't here though, still in the office where he's speaking with Shikamaru. She knows how it's going to end and she doesn't want to be there to witness it.

So she goes through every room, piling her belongings until she can safely seal them into scrolls. She can't bring herself to leave the picture they took on Tanabata a couple of months ago, even if it has Shikamaru in it. She takes it because it's the last evening they spent together where she truly felt like she belonged to Naruto and he belonged to her.

When she's done, she feels as empty as the shelves in the living room, usually filled with piles of medical books now tucked away in her scrolls. Sakura doesn't linger, though, because she hurts like Sasuke never managed to hurt her, however much he tried. So she sends one last look at the home she lived in for the past three years and leaves for the ANBU quarters. Right now there is only one person she feels like being near to, and he has the emotional capacity of a oyster, which suits her well enough.

Sai welcomes her with his usual blank stare, but there is tension in his back and he doesn't quite meet her eyes after the first glance. She refuses to think about what it could mean and accepts the hug he awkwardly offers. Then she rolls up in a ball on his bed and watches him fill paperwork, occasionaly eating a candy from a bowl she remembers gifting him a week ago. Somehow, it comforts her more than anything she's tried to come up with on her own. She will be okay. She has too.

Eventually, Sakura falls asleep on Sai's bed and when she wakes up, he's wrapped around her, his left hand hanging around her waist and holding a kunai in a loose grip. Somehow, it makes her grin to know he's sleeping with a weapon and she doesn't quite stop the giggle that threatens to leave her throat. Sai wakes up in a flash, his hand tightening briefly around the kunai before dropping it on the floor entirely. Sakura is still chuckling, rolling over so she's facing him, and she hides her laugh in his collarbone. Sai doesn't mention the tears slowly staining his tanktop as he presses her against his chest.

Getting up is the hardest part. Sakura feels like she has no reason to do it anymore. She applied for a leave at the hospital, knowing herself well enough to prevent the eventual catastrophe that would have been her working in such an emotional state. There is no one waiting for her outside of the ANBU quarters, no one she wants to talk to, and no home to return to once her day is done. That does give her some purpose, though, because she'll need a new apartment.

With her resume and the reputation that goes with her pink hair and sealed forehead, Sakura is able to rent a house before noon. It's as far away from the Nara Compound and the Hokage Tower as it gets, and she strangely does not feel as empty as she thought she'd be when she starts unpacking. She still feels miserable, like the better, brighter part of her has been ripped from her side, but as she sits down under the traditional kotatsu, a cup of macha steaming in her hands, she allows herself to breath. Maybe this won't be as awful as she thought after all.

Sakura feels unbalanced and uncomfortably unclean and she does not want to spend the rest of her life feeling like this. It's nothing compared to what she expected, though. She goes on about her day like she normally would have, checking up on her list of surgeries and finding she can stay home until the next morning. Then she gets to bed, rolling up on her futon that smells fresh, and it hits her.

She is alone. Sai is on a mission. Ino is training in T&I. Sasuke is on an errand she sent him to and isn't coming back until the end of the week. Naruto...

Naruto is probably showering Shikamaru in soft kisses, barely brushing skin and leaving butterfly in their wake. He's probably hugging him from behind as Shikamaru cooks him a meal and hiding his nose in the pink hair-

She doesn't realize how much she's crying until a sob almost makes her choke.

 

 

 

Life goes on. Because it always does. Life is a cold-ass Kiri-nin and she learned it the hard way a long time ago. It should not surprise her anymore. And it doesn't, in a sense. Her relationship with Naruto had always felt too good to be true, like she had finally reached a happy ending she did not know was in store for her. In a way, she probably had been waiting on the other shoe to drop for a while, now. She simply did not expect to face it in Naruto falling out of love and finding his precious person in Shikamaru.

Sakura doesn't realize she's slowly getting depressed until one day, as she's looking for her jōnin pants, she finds there are no clean ones in her room. Then she sees her pale skin and hollow ribs in the mirror. Then she realizes she can't really remember what she did on her free time in the past few days.

She's a medic-nin, it's part of her job to identify an illness by its earliest symptom. It doesn't take her long to put two and two together. It's been three months and she's miserable. Also, apparently, depressed. There is nothing she's looking forward to, nothing that gets her excited, and she sees how little she cares about it all, when it used to unsettle her in her patients; she lived by Naruto and Sasuke's side her whole life, their burning pyre of a passion leading her like a beacon. She's not used to people going on with life without really pursuing some kind of purpose.

And yet, there she is. Her goal is accomplished; she is the greatest medic-nin in history, and the strongest shinobi in the world. She isn't reaching for something anymore, there is no one she needs to catch up to, no one waiting for her to become better. She is the best, but she is alone, and she feels empty.

Sakura knows how to treat depression, and she realizes she isn't that far gone. She has no destructive behaviour yet, she hasn't established patterns. As for her lack of purpose...

She promised herself not to amount to how much she meant to a boy. Yet, that is how she's been living her life for the past few months. Outside of her relationship with Naruto, she had stopped existing as her own person, and it's her own damn fault. Now she needs to pull herself together and make herself proud.

What does she want to do? It has been several years since she had to ask herself this question and she finds she doesn't have an answer to it, not really. She wants to help, sure, but it's not a goal, she's already doing that. She could improve in something, but she isn't particularly interested in learning genjutsu and she's always been crap at ninjutsu. Taijutsu might be worth a shot though, so she lets the idea simmer in her head while she seeks a true purpose.

She ends up envying Sasuke's goal, how easily it came to him. And then she feels horribly guilty because he acquired it through the worst means possible, losing everyone that meant something to him in the process. It doesn't change the fact that he didn't have to face a middle-life crisis like she's doing (and yes, twenty-one is a middle-life crisis when you're a shinobi. If your name isn't Hatake or Sannin, then you're probably not going to live past forty anyway).

 

 

 

It's early in the morning when she decides to do something. Winter is closing in and the air is getting colder and colder. She's up to her nose in warm clothing but she can feel a strange spring to her steps that she hasn't felt in a while. She enjoys the peaceful atmosphere of the morning, when the shopkeepers are setting their stalls in the market.

Her steps take her to the Hokage Tower. It's been a long time since she last went to the building, admittedly because she was avoiding Naruto and Shikamaru like the plague. She stops at the mission station, because she might be willing but she's not ready to face the two men. So she goes for the closest source of information: Iruka.

The man is hiding a yawn behind his hand, blinking sleepy eyes as he fills in a pile of papers. Sakura steps closer, a smile already burgeoning on her face. Her ex teacher is dear to her heart and she finds his dedication to the children astounding. Though, with what she's about to request, she better take a page out of his book.

 

"Hello, Sakura! How can I help you?"

 

She's grateful he hasn't mentioned Naruto, even if she knows he wants to. Their breaking up didn't go unnoticed even if they never so much as announced it to anyone.

 

"I'd like to fill in a request for a genin team, Iruka-san."

 

He looks up in surprise, not bothering to hide his curious stare now.

 

"Very well," he says slowly. "Please sit down, I will get you the necessary papers."

"Thank you."

 

She waits patiently for him to assemble the correct paperwork, feeling her heart explode in her chest with how nervous she is. This is going to change everything. She'll have to rethink her whole schedule, she won't be able to handle the hospital like she's doing now. And the responsibility... She will have children's lives in her hands now, they'll look up to her and she'll teach them everything she knows.

 

"Once you fill everything, it will still need to be approved by the Hokage," Iruka says carefully like it's about to make her change her mind. No matter that she already feels like running away.

 

Sakura is as determined as it comes and she only nods, waiting for Iruka to hand over the papers. She has to raise her eyebrows when she sees the content. It looks like someone in the Tower (probably Naruto if she's being honest) decided to level up the standards required to be a jōnin sensei. Well, as nervous as she is, it's not her ability as a ninja that has her shivering in her seat.

She fills in all the information about herself, her mission count and specialization, but stops when she's asked about her motivation. It's not like she's doing it entirely out of the goodness of her heart, but she does care for Konoha's future a great deal and that means caring for its genin. She settles for a half-truth, saying she wants to pass on her techniques and knowledge to future generations, which remains technically true despite her somewhat selfish motives.

Once she's signed with her neatest kanji, she hands over the forms to Iruka, who reads them quickly.

 

"Those requests are very important to the village, so it should be approved before tomorrow. Graduation starts next month, so if you're approved, you'll be assigned a team."

She nods. "Thank you, Iruka-san. I hope the day treats you well."

"Same to you. A courier will be sent to your home to inform you."

 

When she leaves the Tower, Sakura feels lighter than ever those past few weeks. She has a lot to do to make the transition smooth and not feed the rumor mill too soon. First of all, it's time she named a rightful successor at the hospital. She'll still be able to work there, but certainly not as Head like she's been since the war. And then...

Well, it's time Haruno Sakura starts to live for herself again.

 

 

 

If she expected everything to change immediately, Sakura finds herself disappointed. There are some days where she stares at her ceiling and ponders why she should find it worthwhile to get up. There are nights when, shivering and sobbing against her pillows, she wonders why she let Naruto go and curses herself. There are moments where she feels cruel and selfish and simply doesn't care, where she longs to go back in time and force him to stay with her, no matter how unhappy that would have made him.

She tries not to think of those moments because later on, they make her sick.

About two weeks after her request was approved, she's leaving the hospital and making her way to a blacksmith's shop for new kunai. She doesn't go on missions as much and she would like but she knows that will change once she has a team and she wants to enjoy working at the hospital as much as she can.

The blacksmith's is a one-eyed woman who offers pastries to her customers while they wait for her to sharpen their weapons. Sakura loves her, like she loves Konoha's Will of Fire and everything that proves to her, day after day, that this village is worth fighting for.

When she ducks under the curtain marking the entrance of the shop, she doesn't expect the familiar laugh to freeze her in place. It's muffled by whatever's in his mouth but Sakura has spent enough times with him to recognize the happiness in the sound. She feels feverish but nervously excited about seeing him again, months without being in his presence weighting on her heart.

Then a rough voice, and deep chuckle, and she feels her blood run cold.

Sakura doesn't come inside to verify what she knows to be true. There is no need for confirmation when the joy in both laughs is so obviously connected to the other.

Feeling like an intruder in her own home, she turns around and heads back to her house. Sakura doesn't see Naruto turning around, doesn't see him tug at Shikamaru's sleeve, doesn't hear their laugh quiet down and their eyes turning a sad hue.

 

 

 

The reality of her decision punches her in the face on the morning of graduation. She saw Academy kids running around everywhere, excited to receive their headband and meet their new team. The parents are talking animatedly in the marketplace, curious to see who the teachers are this year and who will take care of their precious children.

Sakura is sitting on her roof, arms crossed underneath her chin, as she watches the excitement colouring the kids' features.

She received a summon to the Hokage's office, where she'll probably get the files of her new students. Then she'll have to fetch them at the Academy and test them.

Sakura feels guilt curling up in her stomach when she realizes that she spent so much time at the hospital, she never really thought about a test in the first place. What kind of teacher will she be if she's not even able to do that in time?

When the sun stands straight above her head, she leaves her hiding place and jumps to the next roof, before a shunshin takes her to the Hokage's window. She tries not to flinch when Naruto stares at her, but fails miserably. Not letting it stop her, she enters the office and comes to stand besides her fellow teachers.

She's happy to see Kurenai, now a seasoned jōnin-sensei, and attempts not to look baffled at Genma's bored face. She can't imagine him taking on students, so he might have been appointed (which would explain the complete lack of interest on his face when the files are handed to him).

She stands next to Kiba, on his first year too, the best news since entering the room. He's looking at her with a wide grin and she already feels a kinship with him that she hopes will colour her teaching years. It would be amazing to train both their teams together.

Her attention is diverted when Naruto gives her the files. She opens the first one with a sense of dread, hoping not to find herself with a difficult match up on her first assignment. Sakura has to blink when she looks at the clan symbol, and before she can stop herself, her eyes are on Shikamaru, standing in a corner with his own pile of paperwork.

She had no idea there was another Ino-Shika-Chō in the making, and she certainly did not expect to be in charge of it. They're probably the most important teams in the village and it doesn't make sense for her to be responsible of a speciality she isn't even good in.

Then she sees the next name and her face drops. A Hyūga. They gave her a Hyūga. She can see the disaster coming a mile away. Finally, the dango on top of the metaphorical cake is smiling his sharp Inuzuka teeth on the official picture.

Sakura wants to bang her head on the wall. She is _so_ underqualified for this. Whoever was in charge of making the teams should be punched in the face, courtesy of her taijutsu. That's when she catches Kiba's pale face, and she can't help but put a comforting hand on his arm. He looks at her with a panicky face and shows her the names in his file.

Suddenly, her team feels pretty nice. She would rather put a kunai through her eye than train _two Yamanaka brothers_ and a poor no-name civilian-born girl who looks like a breath of wind would break her in half.

 

"Your students are waiting for you at the Academy," Naruto says seriously, before a flare of dramatics seems to overcome him. "The future of the Fire Nation is in your hands, brave shinobi of the Leaf."

 

She hears Genma snort and she can't help but chuckle. They all bow quickly before leaving, Kiba and she taking the rooftops path to the Academy. Shino is waiting for them at the door, an amused smile on his face at Kiba's disgruntled one. He leads them through corridors they used to know better than their own homes, until they have to part ways. Kiba stage whispers "Wish me luck!" before going in.

Sakura half-expects something to fall on her head as she opens her own door. Instead, she finds a snarling Nara punching a furious Hyūga in the face, while the Inuzuka kid watches placidly and _takes notes?!_

 

"Oy!" she shouts, startling them so bad they immediately adopt a parade rest. Then they recognize her and she can see the colour drain from their faces, the Hyūga quickly wiping the blood dripping from his nose.

 

"My name is Haruno Sakura, and I will be your jōnin instructor. Meet me at the third training ground in fifteen minutes. Don't be late."

 


	2. How not to love

She can't help it. It is too good an opportunity to pass. In a way, Sakura feels like she's drawing a giant middle finger on Kakashi's stone portrait. Nothing wrong with enjoying herself a bit, right? So she takes her weapons to be sharpened, finally. Then she goes to the dango stand on the way to the training ground and buys herself six skewers. She takes her sweet time walking to the field, the sun above telling her she's more than an hour late.

When she gets there, Sakura is pleasantly surprised to see none of them left. The Hyūga's nose is turning a deep purple and the Nara is pouting in a corner, but they're not fighting anymore, which is good. She bites into another dango and jumps into a nearby tree. Sakura puts her treats on the branch and sits to observe them. She has an idea, but she wants to know what they're like on their own first.

She has to frown when ten minutes pass and none of them say a word. That won't do. She'd rather have them yelling at each other if it means interacting. A team ignoring its members is no good in the field; better they get the sour feelings out. Her test will be suitable, then.

She creates a clone and takes a second to think about it before henging it in Haku's outfit, mask an all. Then she does the same thing to herself, copying Zabuza's bulk, face bandages and clothes. His picture is still well-known, so she replaces the spiky, black hair with a brown Nara ponytail. Then she adds a Kiri forehead protector to both her clone and herself. That will do.

She's crap at kenjutsu, so she wraps her hands around twin kunai and drops in the middle of her team. They all yell in surprise but only the Hyūga immediately adopts a fighting stance. She tsks, makes a show of scratching her cheek, then gestures at her henged clone to attack.

Sakura crosses her arms, more disappointed by the minute when she sees how little they try to work together to take 'Haku' out. The Inuzuka has above average taijutsu and the Nara is obviously as clever as his peers, if his well-placed jabs are anything to go by.

It's all ruined by a sense of pride so ingrained in all three of them she wants to shake them until it rubs off.

Sakura tries to swallow the bitter taste in her mouth. She was so excited to finally have something to do with her life, and now she'll have to fail her team. What a letdown.

She whistles and her clones stands down, jumping back a few meters. She gives them half a second to realize how screwed they are before flickering behind the Inuzuka and knocking him out with a precise pressure against his neck.

She feels the shadows going for her feet before she sees them. She locks her hands in a seal and disappears in the ground. It takes her a breath to find the Hyūga's feet and dragging him down until only his head sticks out. Sakura emerges behind the Nara and she grabs his wrists, wrapping them in wire before he can react. Then she slaps a chakra suppressant seal on his shoulder and he collapses, heaving.

She sits cross-legged, her chin on her hand, and gives them a bored look.

 

"Haku," she says in deep, rough voice. "Bring me the kid with the red cheeks."

 

Her clone complies and drops the Inuzuka before her. Sakura takes out the kunai she didn't even have to use and press it against his carotid. The other two boys gasp but she only stares at them.

 

"I need intel, brats. You gimme what I want, I let you go. You don't, I start cuttin' him."

 

She discreetly lays a genjutsu on the unconscious boy, internally rolling her eyes at the Hyūga's Byakugan which he apparently forgot existed.

 

"We're not telling you anything," the Nara spits. She raises an eyebrow and her illusion starts bleeding softly where her kunai is pressing. The Nara blanches instantly.

 

"A commendable behaviour, but it won't do you any good, kid," she grins. "I have no problem relieving your little friend here of a couple limbs. Better be careful, he doesn't have that many."

"You should leave," the Hyūga finally says. "Our sensei will be here soon and she's way stronger than you."

Sakura snorts. "Don't see any teacher 'round here. You sure about that?"

"She'll wipe the floor with you! Haruno-sama helped end the war!"

"I'm terrified," she states with a blank stare. "Now, about that intel. I need into your T&I building. Anythin' you know, patrols, layout, I want to know everything." Then, to emphasize, she presses a little more and her illusion whines in pain.

 

The two boys exchange a look, fear etched into their features. Sakura is about to mock them again when she hears a brushing sound from the bushes. She turns around just in time for a gigantic form to jump out of the leaves and barrel into her. She rolls a few times before getting up, then stops when she recognises Akamaru.

A sharp pain bursts in her calf and she yelps, turning around to see a pup biting into her flesh. She tries to shake him off, but finds she can't move. A slow smile spreads on her lips.

 

"Having fun?" Kiba's voice is warm with laugher as he looks at her.

"Inuzuka-san! He injured Kochi, I don't know if he's okay," the Hyūga says as Kiba gets him out of the ground.

"Oh, did he now?" Kiba is grinning like a loon and the two boys are looking at him like he just grew a third arm.

"I'm a merciless killer and I enjoy watching children suffer," Sakura says in her flattest voice.

"Sure you are, Haruno, sure you are."

"What?!"

 

Sakura easily slips out of the Nara's grasp and dispels her clone before dropping the henge on herself. The shared gasp coming from the boys have her smiling as Kiba jabs her in the ribs.

 

"But, Kochi?"

"Illusion, kid," Kiba grins.

 

Sakura takes a deep breath then glares at the boys.

 

"Now, how about you explain to me your thought process?"

"Well, Hoseki memorised your chakra signature when you came to the Academy. So he was looking for it when he sensed the two of you," the Nara explains. "So Kochi sent his dog for help because we knew we couldn't take on enemies."

Sakura raises an unimpressed eyebrow. "And that's it? You just hoped someone would arrive in time?"

Hoseki looks uncomfortable. "We knew Inuzuka-san wasn't far, but we put a few traps around the area while we waited. We figured your were late on purpose."

 

Sakura looks at Kiba, who's staring at the unconscious boy on the ground with a dissatisfied pout. She knows the feeling.

 

"How did it go?"

He grins. "They passed. Seriously, I've never seen anything like it before. Outstanding teamwork."

"I envy you very much right now."

 

Kiba grimaces, looking sorry for her. She sighs and turns back to her shining examples of failure.

 

"Alright, listen up. If it were up to me, I'd fail you right now. As it is, Konoha politics don't work that way and we need three teams. So I'll check with the Hokage and the other teachers. If Genma or Kurenai failed their team too, it will be the Hokage's choice. If not, you're going back to the Academy."

 

Hoseki looks ready to cry and the Nara isn't doing much better. On the ground, Kochi is waking up.

 

Sakura makes a show of looking frustrated. "Well, I'm going to the Tower, you three can just... wait here, I guess. Man, what a bummer."

 

Kiba catches on quickly and follows her. As soon as they're out of sight, Sakura goes right back into the trees and hides her chakra. Hoseki is crying now, ugly sobs bending his small body in half. Sakura feels bad for him, but he did fail her test.

 

"It's not fair, Shinrin!" he cries. "How could we have known it was her."

"I don't think the problem is that we didn't recognize her," the Nara sighs.

 

Then he kneels next to Kochi and helps him sit up, brushing his back in a comforting gesture.

 

"How do you feel? Did she hurt you?"

Kochi shakes his head. "I don't feel anything. She must have healed me. What happened?"

"We failed," Hoseki whispers, his cheeks wet with tears.

"What?"

 

He's frozen, eyes wide open as his hands start to shake. Hoseki makes a frightened noise and scrambles to his feet, before tackling the Inuzuka. He wraps his tiny arms around him and hugs him as tight as he can. Kochi's pup whines and curls up behind his partner. Shinrin wipes away a lone tear and presses against Hoseki's side, curled up with his arms around his knees.

 

"I'm sorry we didn't protect you," Shinrin says. "If it weren't for your dog-"

"Reimaru. I just got him."

"At least one of us did something right," Hoseki sighs. "You reacted and sent for help."

 

"Actually," Sakura says amongst the gasps as she drops next to them, "you all did something right."

 

She settles near them, her retrieved dango box now in her lap. After biting into a dango, she continues.

 

"Don't get me wrong, you had shit teamwork and it's kind of the main point of the test. But you reacted well, you planned ahead what you could, and most importantly, none of you blamed the others for failing."

 

She chews her dango for a couple of seconds, then swallows, and grins broadly.

 

"You all pass!"

 

 

 

Sakura feels the weariness creeping into her bones, putting weight on muscles she knows haven't worked today. She didn't realize how painful it would be to be reminded of her own childhood, her own team, when she's barely seen them in the past year.

The kids aren't the brightest kunai in the pouch, but they're good kids and she wants to make something great of them. It doesn't change the fact that testing them, but mostly briefing them afterwards, has taken way more of her energy than she expected. Now she simply wants to go home and crawl inside her bed.

Unfortunately, the Universe has never been known for making her life easy, if the last fifteen years are anything to go by.

She's about two streets from her house when an ANBU flickers in front of her and bows slightly.

 

"Haruno-sama, the Hokage summons you at the hospital, effective immediately."

 

Sakura feels her blood run cold and she has to catch herself before a breath gets caught in her throat. She barely nods before using a shunshin herself, crossing the village in a matter of minutes.

She heads directly for the emergencies, knowing she wouldn't have been ordered here for something less. She wants to scratch her arms where the panic is crawling its way to her chest, because she can't afford to lose it right now.

Naruto is in the hallway, and as always it's a punch in the guts to see him. He looks awful, hollow cheeks underneath pale skin and dark eyes. It's obvious how worried he is and that only makes for one potential patient.

Bitterness is a vicious little thing, and in Sakura's case, it goes in pair with jealousy. For half a second, she's glad that Shikamaru is hurt, because if it's even half the pain she was in when Naruto fell out of love, then he deserves it.

Then she catches on to what she just thought and she wants to throw up, disgust with herself a pulsing ache in her throat where she can feel her heart beating a wild rhythm of worry and guilt.

A nurse quickly briefs her as she changes into hospital whites, Naruto's pacing form shadowing her steps. They haven't said a word to each other and she's dreading it almost as much as seeing Shikamaru's state.

It takes her two breaths to know he'll make it.

And a third one to rip the heart out of the disappointed thought.

Naruto barges into the recovery room as soon as she's done and takes Shikamaru's hand like it's a fragile, precious thing.

In the corridor, Sakura learns what if feels like to hate herself.

 

 

 

She scheduled her team to see her every morning and afternoon, which lets her come check on Shikamaru on the evenings. He's okay, but still weak, and she's still by far the best medic in the world. She'll be damned if he isn't out of there in less than an month.

Naruto is there every day too, and it's like being slapped to be in such proximity again. They cross paths all the time and it's awkward and quick because Naruto apparently has too much to say and Sakura too little. Or maybe it's the opposite, because she yearns to have him listen to her deepest thoughts, her self-hatred and disappointment, her bitter, vicious love.

But it's awkward, and quick, and they mostly don't talk at all.

Shikamaru looks at them with tired eyes and Sakura can hear them talk when it's late and she's about to head out. She doesn't like the raised voices and angry whispers.

She feels like a home-wrecker.

Then she remembers her own home, where Naruto always forgot to turn on the heaters and left ramen smell on every fabric and she's almost satisfied.

At night, she rolls up under her covers and she cries.

She's exhausted of her dual thoughts, of having to battle every instinct that tells her she doesn't deserve to hurt like this only to remind herself that both of them are her friends and she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and wishing them foul things.

 

 

 

Her team helps. She knew that when she requested it, even though it's not as much as she had hoped. It's not an instant cure and she often founds herself lacking the sense of purpose she was craving so badly. Then Hoseki runs up to her with a bright smile and shining white eyes and Sakura doesn't need to remind herself why she's doing this anymore.

Shikamaru leaves the hospital two weeks and a half after entering it and Sakura feels more accomplished than ever in the past year. Then Kochi learns how to henge Reimaru into himself and she has to start the countdown again, because it shouldn't be possible to feel this proud.

Kiba helps a lot with the ego.

 

 

"Oy, rat face! Wanna see how much better my kids are at running on water?" he yells across a training field.

"Get fucked, old fart! They've known how to do that since day one!" she shouts back where she's doing push-ups with the three kids on her back.

 

They get together for ramen at Ichiraku and she forgets how to feel sad for a few hours. Kochi is trying to establish some sort of territorial thing whenever Kiba gets within a meter of her and it amuses the man greatly. Then Shinrin trips him as he stage-whispers almost naughty things in her ears and Sakura offers to pay her team's tab because Kiba's face is priceless.

She's happy. Life goes on and it's good. Until it's not.

 

 

 

Suddenly it's been a year since she moved out and the Konoha 11 are getting together for Sasuke's birthday (which is bullshit because he's been sleeping a mission off on the couch for the past three hours and they're all simply getting drunk at this point).

Sakura is watching Hinata wipe the floor with Neji at shōgi, a cup of plum alcohol in her hand, when Shikamaru sits down next to her.

The alcohol helps her not to stiffen. It also loosens her mouth and she has to bite back a sarcastic remark at the fact that Naruto is napping on top of Sasuke.

 

"You shouldn't have let him go," Shikamaru says without warning, his eyes on the shōgi board.

"What?"

"He's not happy with me," he goes on. "Not completely, at least. And it's killing me, to see him suffer because you're not around anymore."

 

She's speechless.

 

"So yeah. You shouldn't have let him go."

Sakura snorts. "I wasn't the one for him."

Shikamaru lets out a cold, short laugh. "Well, neither am I."

 

They both look at where Sasuke has woken up, a soft smile gracing his lips when Naruto's head rolls on the Uchiha's chest and he starts to snore.

Gently, Shikamaru rests his head on Sakura's shoulder.

She feels like screaming.

Instead, she wraps an arm around his waist and she tries to reign in the shudders.

 

 

On the couch, Sasuke wakes Naruto up with a slap on the head and the first thing Naruto's eyes do once open is to search for something.

What's inconvenient is that when he's looking in their direction, smiling like he just found precisely what he was looking for, neither of them can tell to which of them he's smiling.

 

 

 


End file.
